I have two children, age 10 and
8, both boys. I think they are
wonderful, and I feel that it is an honour and a gift that God has granted me the
privilege of looking after them.
This hasn’t always been the case though.
When I became a father I had no
idea what it meant to be a parent. In
fact looking back, I would go as far to say that emotionally I neglected them. I provided for them physically, but beyond
that I expected their mother to take care of everything else. I went to work 5 days a week, played golf on
the weekend, and my lifestyle didn’t really change that much once my children
came along. And to be frank this was the
way that I liked it.
My journey into becoming a better parent started when my marriage dissolved, and I became a part-time single
parent. I always felt like I had a
responsibility to look after the boys, and so the arrangements were always that
the boys would be between me and my ex-wife.
However what I hadn’t realised was the amount of work and responsibility
that actually goes into being a parent. Suddenly
I became aware of the physical things that I had been not doing like, bathing,
bedtime, meals, school lunches, playtime etc etc. I was suddenly on a very steep learning
curve.
However, parenting is not just
about providing for the physical needs of our children. I have always felt a sense of responsibility
for my children. They are simply a
product of everything that they have been taught since before they came into
the world. Their behaviour and attitudes
are a direct reflection of my own behaviours, attitudes and feelings. Hence if they are upset, or in pain, it is
because of something that they have picked up from me. If my child does something ‘wrong’ or ‘naughty’,
it is because of what I have taught them.
If we are to be responsible
parents, we must learn to be responsible for what we have created. Children learn primarily through the feelings
that are projected at them. Whether or
not we are even aware that we ourselves are projecting those feelings towards
our children is irrelevant. They are
showing us clearly what we have taught them.
I found this very confronting,
and it took me some time to work through some of the emotions that the boys
were reflecting back to me. At times I
refused to believe that this was the case, I stubbornly and arrogantly refused
to concede that they were showing me what was inside of myself. There are times still when I simply do not
want to see the truth of what is inside of myself. However, the truth is right in front of my
eyes.
I felt that is wasn’t fair that
my children were suffering because I what I had taught them. They had no choice that I was their Dad. And so, I started to pray about being a
better parent. I began the process of
emotionally taking responsibility for my choice to be a parent. This was hard at the beginning because I didn’t
know what a good parent was. How could I learn when I had no one to show me?
I started working through my own
emotional injuries and false beliefs about what it was to be a loving parent
from Gods perspective. In the beginning,
I had to face certain truths about my feelings towards them including:
- I don’t want to be a parent
- I don’t want my kids
- I don’t want to look after them
- I don’t want to provide for them
- I hate them
I had to honestly feel the lack
of love that I had for them, and I discovered a great amount of sadness within me
about these things.
However, once I allowed myself to
be honest, and feel my way through these feelings, I realised that I was
starting to develop a real feeling of love for them. I started to enjoy their company, their
personality and innocence. I started to
become less of a parent and more of a friend.
I started to feel like that they don’t belong to me, and that I am
simply a temporary care giver until they go and live their own life.
But the biggest thing that I
discovered was that parenting is easy
when we love. It is a simple,
joyful, fun and effortless adventure. I imagine
that I have felt a tiny glimpse of the joy that God must have being our parent. I realised that I don’t need to train them,
manage them, or turn them into anything, or force them to be a certain
way. I just need to love them. Working through my own emotional blockages to
love has been the greatest single thing I have done with regards to improving
my relationship with my kids.
God has already created their
souls, and all I need to do is to create an environment where Gods creation can
be expressed. If I think that I can
create a better child than God, then I am going to eventually realise that I am
very wrong.
One of the greatest joys in this
process is watching the difference in the boys when I have a feeling of love
instead of anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, shame or any other non-loving
emotion. I have seen them change in an
instant when I come from a space of love, rather than a non-loving space. It is a bit hard for me to describe but
children bloom when love is present, and shrivel when it is absent. In my opinion, learning about true love, and
being a loving parent from Gods perspective, is the greatest gift a parent can
give to a child, and I would encourage all parents and carers (and everyone for
that matter) to consider learning more about love. Your children will thank you for it!!
Justin
