What is Your Prize?

I have an emotional addiction for a woman to look after me.  The addiction has many facets, for example, I want a woman to:

- look after me physically: food, cleaning, washing, ironing etc

- emotionally by making me feel better about myself

- sexually by making me feel good about myself sexually and doing most the ‘work’

- protect me from the world so that I don’t have to feel uncomfortable, or take responsibility for my own choices and actions

I have spent the vast majority of my life being angry towards women so that I get what I want.  Not in an outwardly aggressive way, but more a passive aggressive way, and only to those that I know I can control.

I have been gradually (slowly) working through this addiction over the last 12 months or so.  I feel like things are starting to improve, but I also know that I have much more to do on this particular issue.  However I realised last week that a large part of my desire to work through this issue was because I still want to live in the addiction. Let me explain.

As I mentioned above, I have an addiction to being looked after by a woman.  In fact I still have a feeling in me that if a woman is looking after me, then that is when I will be happiest.  I also have a belief that when you do something good, that you will be rewarded for your efforts.  So what I have been doing for a while now, is working through a small part of the addiction, and then expecting a reward, and that reward (for me) is being looked after by my partner.  This is what I expected my prize to be.  The prize, that I had chosen from the top shelf of the side show tent, for me was to still have my addictions met more fully then ever!

Now if my partner does not then do as I expect, if things don’t improve from my perspective, then I get a bit confused about the whole deal.  I think “Hey God, I’ve been good and worked through something, so where is my prize?  Where is the positive reinforcement for working through my emotions and becoming more loving?  Shouldn’t I be attracting a partner that makes me happy?”  It’s at this point that I think God’s not playing the game within the rules I have (arrogantly) established.

But if we work on the simple premise that God is loving, and gives us everything in harmony with the laws of love, then maybe (just maybe), I am the one that is not looking at this from a loving perspective.  So I started to get angry at God about the rules of the game (I often tell God that he doesn’t know the rules of his own game!), and in the midst of my anger, and cursing, and spitting, I realised that if I am working through my issues and wanting to become more loving, then God will grant me the gift or reward from a perspective of love.  It then dawned on me that every time I work through a little part of my addiction, God is actually giving me the prize of knowing what love is.

This is the ‘prize’.  Knowing what love is, is actually the prize.  Now initially this felt a little underwhelming, because Gods gift feels very different to me having my addictions met. However, I am starting to see that God is probably a bit cleverer than I give him credit for. J

I was discussing this realisation with a friend the other day, and he took it another step further.  He said “Not only is love the prize, but the greater prize is the gift giving that love to others.”  Now for someone who has spent almost a lifetime taking from others, this concept, initially at least, is somewhat challenging.  But it doesn’t take long to see that this is much better way of being.  So I now start the journey of learning to give to others from a loving perspective (God’s definition, not mine).

But my question to others who are attempting to follow ‘The Way’ is, what is the real motivation behind such an endeavour?  What is the real reason behind wanting to work through our emotional baggage?  Do we genuinely want to learn about love?  If so, we have to genuinely want to know God emotionally, as God is the one who knows best what love is, and isn’t.  I for one would have said that “Yes, I want to know God and learn about love”, but the truth was somewhat different once I explored my motivations.  If we are struggling to deal with our addictions, then I think there is a good chance that the prize that we seek is not one of love, but one of further/added addiction, or avoiding the real truth.   

So, what is the Prize you are seeking???

Take Care

Justin

Parenting Is Easy When We Love

I have two children, age 10 and 8, both boys.  I think they are wonderful, and I feel that it is an honour and a gift that God has granted me the privilege of looking after them. 

This hasn’t always been the case though. 

When I became a father I had no idea what it meant to be a parent.  In fact looking back, I would go as far to say that emotionally I neglected them.  I provided for them physically, but beyond that I expected their mother to take care of everything else.  I went to work 5 days a week, played golf on the weekend, and my lifestyle didn’t really change that much once my children came along.  And to be frank this was the way that I liked it.

My journey into becoming a better parent started when my marriage dissolved, and I became a part-time single parent.  I always felt like I had a responsibility to look after the boys, and so the arrangements were always that the boys would be between me and my ex-wife.  However what I hadn’t realised was the amount of work and responsibility that actually goes into being a parent.  Suddenly I became aware of the physical things that I had been not doing like, bathing, bedtime, meals, school lunches, playtime etc etc.  I was suddenly on a very steep learning curve.

However, parenting is not just about providing for the physical needs of our children.  I have always felt a sense of responsibility for my children.  They are simply a product of everything that they have been taught since before they came into the world.  Their behaviour and attitudes are a direct reflection of my own behaviours, attitudes and feelings.  Hence if they are upset, or in pain, it is because of something that they have picked up from me.  If my child does something ‘wrong’ or ‘naughty’, it is because of what I have taught them.

If we are to be responsible parents, we must learn to be responsible for what we have created.  Children learn primarily through the feelings that are projected at them.  Whether or not we are even aware that we ourselves are projecting those feelings towards our children is irrelevant.  They are showing us clearly what we have taught them.

I found this very confronting, and it took me some time to work through some of the emotions that the boys were reflecting back to me.  At times I refused to believe that this was the case, I stubbornly and arrogantly refused to concede that they were showing me what was inside of myself.  There are times still when I simply do not want to see the truth of what is inside of myself.  However, the truth is right in front of my eyes.

I felt that is wasn’t fair that my children were suffering because I what I had taught them.  They had no choice that I was their Dad.  And so, I started to pray about being a better parent.  I began the process of emotionally taking responsibility for my choice to be a parent.  This was hard at the beginning because I didn’t know what a good parent was. How could I learn when I had no one to show me?

I started working through my own emotional injuries and false beliefs about what it was to be a loving parent from Gods perspective.  In the beginning, I had to face certain truths about my feelings towards them including:

• I don’t want to be a parent
• I don’t want my kids
• I don’t want to look after them
• I don’t want to provide for them
• I hate them

I had to honestly feel the lack of love that I had for them, and I discovered a great amount of sadness within me about these things.

However, once I allowed myself to be honest, and feel my way through these feelings, I realised that I was starting to develop a real feeling of love for them.  I started to enjoy their company, their personality and innocence.  I started to become less of a parent and more of a friend.  I started to feel like that they don’t belong to me, and that I am simply a temporary care giver until they go and live their own life.

But the biggest thing that I discovered was that parenting is easy when we love.  It is a simple, joyful, fun and effortless adventure.  I imagine that I have felt a tiny glimpse of the joy that God must have being our parent.  I realised that I don’t need to train them, manage them, or turn them into anything, or force them to be a certain way.  I just need to love them.  Working through my own emotional blockages to love has been the greatest single thing I have done with regards to improving my relationship with my kids.

God has already created their souls, and all I need to do is to create an environment where Gods creation can be expressed.  If I think that I can create a better child than God, then I am going to eventually realise that I am very wrong.

One of the greatest joys in this process is watching the difference in the boys when I have a feeling of love instead of anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, shame or any other non-loving emotion.  I have seen them change in an instant when I come from a space of love, rather than a non-loving space.  It is a bit hard for me to describe but children bloom when love is present, and shrivel when it is absent.  In my opinion, learning about true love, and being a loving parent from Gods perspective, is the greatest gift a parent can give to a child, and I would encourage all parents and carers (and everyone for that matter) to consider learning more about love.  Your children will thank you for it!!

Justin

Clueless About What God Wants Me To Be...

I titled this blog “Being a Man: My process of discovery of who I am as a man, and what it is to be a man from Gods perspective.”

It turns out that I have no idea what it is to be a man from Gods perspective.  The only things that I think I know, are the things that I was taught by my parents.  Let me break down that down a bit for you.  This is what I was raised to believe a ‘Man’ was:

• He goes to work to provide financially for the family
• Job security is important
• I am the most important one
• Your partner will look after the house and the kids
• Your partner will look after you physically, emotionally, and sexually
• Get a good education so that you can get a good, secure job
• Do what will keep your parents happy, and ‘proud’
• Live the life that they wanted to have, but couldn’t
• Follow a particular type of sport
• Have certain views on politics, other people and cultures, and entertainment
• Love or hate whatever your parents love/hate

I thought that if I did these things, that life would be pretty sweet, and so that’s what I did.  I did everything that I was taught to believe and do.  The above list is not exhaustive, but provides a basic snapshot.  Now for a while I was ‘living the dream’ so to speak.  I was successfully engaging in all of the things that I was taught to do, and thought that I had a good handle of what life was about.

Enter God.

The problem with thinking that you’re pretty clever, is that when someone tells you that you’re wrong, it can be pretty difficult to accept that what they are saying I true.  This is particularly more so, when the person telling you, is not telling you verbally, in writing, or any other way that you are used to…..and is also invisible. 

Turns out …. I have no idea what it is to be a man from Gods perspective!!!!!!!

God seems to have very different views on what a man is compared to myself, and I find that very difficult to reconcile most of the time.  However, when I eventually to work through some of the emotions involved it does start to make sense that the way God designed it to be is a more loving way.  God wants me, and all men (and women), to know what love is.  God wants me to be a loving person, but I have to make that choice.  The struggle that I seem to have is that I am stubbornly set in my ways, and don’t want to change.  It seems ludicrous that I readily accept the harder way of doing things (what I was taught by my parents), living my life with my heels dug in for whatever reason. 

I’m not very far on this journey, but I’m becoming pretty sure that the things that I was taught are not in harmony with Gods perspective.  With regards to the above list, I think it should look something more like:

• Discovering and living in my soul desires is important
• Everyone is loved the same
• I am responsible for looking after myself physically, emotionally, and sexually
• I am responsible for looking after my house and children
• Discover the qualities of my soul
• Live my life, and make my own choices
• Learn about Gods views on everything
• Love everyone and everything

Whilst I don’t know much about the second list, it seems to make more sense than the first one.  Anyway, if I find out any more about what it is to be a man from Gods perspective, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Cheers

Justin