I have an emotional addiction for a woman to look after
me. The addiction has many facets, for
example, I want a woman to:
- look after me physically: food, cleaning, washing, ironing
- emotionally by making me feel better about myself
- sexually by making me feel good about myself sexually and
doing most the ‘work’
- protect me from the world so that I don’t have to feel
uncomfortable, or take responsibility for my own choices and actions
I have spent the vast majority of my life being angry
towards women so that I get what I want.
Not in an outwardly aggressive way, but more a passive aggressive way,
and only to those that I know I can control.
I have been gradually (slowly) working through this
addiction over the last 12 months or so.
I feel like things are starting to improve, but I also know that I have
much more to do on this particular issue.
However I realised last week that a large part of my desire to work
through this issue was because I still want to live in the addiction. Let me
As I mentioned above, I have an addiction to being looked
after by a woman. In fact I still have a
feeling in me that if a woman is looking after me, then that is when I will be
happiest. I also have a belief that when
you do something good, that you will be rewarded for your efforts. So what I have been doing for a while now, is
working through a small part of the addiction, and then expecting a reward, and
that reward (for me) is being looked after by my partner. This is what I expected my prize to be. The
prize, that I had chosen from the top shelf of the side show tent, for me was
to still have my addictions met more fully then ever!
Now if my partner does not then do as I expect, if things don’t
improve from my perspective, then I get a bit confused about the whole deal. I think “Hey God, I’ve been good and worked
through something, so where is my prize?
Where is the positive reinforcement for working through my emotions and
becoming more loving? Shouldn’t I be attracting
a partner that makes me happy?” It’s at
this point that I think God’s not playing the game within the rules I have (arrogantly)
But if we work on the simple premise that God is loving, and
gives us everything in harmony with the laws of love, then maybe (just maybe),
I am the one that is not looking at this from a loving perspective. So I started to get angry at God about the
rules of the game (I often tell God that he doesn’t know the rules of his own
game!), and in the midst of my anger, and cursing, and spitting, I realised
that if I am working through my issues and wanting to become more loving, then
God will grant me the gift or reward from a perspective of love. It then dawned on me that every time I work
through a little part of my addiction, God is actually giving me the prize of knowing
what love is.
This is the ‘prize’. Knowing what love is, is actually the
prize. Now initially this felt a
little underwhelming, because Gods gift feels very different to me having my
addictions met. However, I am starting to see that God is probably a bit
cleverer than I give him credit for. J
I was discussing this realisation with a friend the other
day, and he took it another step further.
He said “Not only is love the prize, but the greater prize is the gift giving that love to others.” Now for someone
who has spent almost a lifetime taking from others, this concept, initially at
least, is somewhat challenging. But it
doesn’t take long to see that this is much better way of being. So I now start the journey of learning to
give to others from a loving perspective (God’s definition, not mine).
But my question to others who are attempting to follow ‘The
Way’ is, what is the real motivation behind such an endeavour? What is the real reason behind wanting to work
through our emotional baggage? Do we
genuinely want to learn about love? If
so, we have to genuinely want to know God emotionally, as God is the one who
knows best what love is, and isn’t. I
for one would have said that “Yes, I want to know God and learn about love”,
but the truth was somewhat different once I explored my motivations. If we are struggling to deal with our
addictions, then I think there is a good chance that the prize that we seek is
not one of love, but one of further/added addiction, or avoiding the real truth.
I have two children, age 10 and
8, both boys. I think they are
wonderful, and I feel that it is an honour and a gift that God has granted me the
privilege of looking after them.
This hasn’t always been the case though.
When I became a father I had no
idea what it meant to be a parent. In
fact looking back, I would go as far to say that emotionally I neglected them. I provided for them physically, but beyond
that I expected their mother to take care of everything else. I went to work 5 days a week, played golf on
the weekend, and my lifestyle didn’t really change that much once my children
came along. And to be frank this was the
way that I liked it.
My journey into becoming a better parent started when my marriage dissolved, and I became a part-time single
parent. I always felt like I had a
responsibility to look after the boys, and so the arrangements were always that
the boys would be between me and my ex-wife.
However what I hadn’t realised was the amount of work and responsibility
that actually goes into being a parent. Suddenly
I became aware of the physical things that I had been not doing like, bathing,
bedtime, meals, school lunches, playtime etc etc. I was suddenly on a very steep learning
However, parenting is not just
about providing for the physical needs of our children. I have always felt a sense of responsibility
for my children. They are simply a
product of everything that they have been taught since before they came into
the world. Their behaviour and attitudes
are a direct reflection of my own behaviours, attitudes and feelings. Hence if they are upset, or in pain, it is
because of something that they have picked up from me. If my child does something ‘wrong’ or ‘naughty’,
it is because of what I have taught them.
If we are to be responsible
parents, we must learn to be responsible for what we have created. Children learn primarily through the feelings
that are projected at them. Whether or
not we are even aware that we ourselves are projecting those feelings towards
our children is irrelevant. They are
showing us clearly what we have taught them.
I found this very confronting,
and it took me some time to work through some of the emotions that the boys
were reflecting back to me. At times I
refused to believe that this was the case, I stubbornly and arrogantly refused
to concede that they were showing me what was inside of myself. There are times still when I simply do not
want to see the truth of what is inside of myself. However, the truth is right in front of my
I felt that is wasn’t fair that
my children were suffering because I what I had taught them. They had no choice that I was their Dad. And so, I started to pray about being a
better parent. I began the process of
emotionally taking responsibility for my choice to be a parent. This was hard at the beginning because I didn’t
know what a good parent was. How could I learn when I had no one to show me?
I started working through my own
emotional injuries and false beliefs about what it was to be a loving parent
from Gods perspective. In the beginning,
I had to face certain truths about my feelings towards them including:
I don’t want to be a parent
I don’t want my kids
I don’t want to look after them
I don’t want to provide for them
I hate them
I had to honestly feel the lack
of love that I had for them, and I discovered a great amount of sadness within me
about these things.
However, once I allowed myself to
be honest, and feel my way through these feelings, I realised that I was
starting to develop a real feeling of love for them. I started to enjoy their company, their
personality and innocence. I started to
become less of a parent and more of a friend.
I started to feel like that they don’t belong to me, and that I am
simply a temporary care giver until they go and live their own life.
But the biggest thing that I
discovered was that parenting is easy
when we love. It is a simple,
joyful, fun and effortless adventure. I imagine
that I have felt a tiny glimpse of the joy that God must have being our parent. I realised that I don’t need to train them,
manage them, or turn them into anything, or force them to be a certain
way. I just need to love them. Working through my own emotional blockages to
love has been the greatest single thing I have done with regards to improving
my relationship with my kids.
God has already created their
souls, and all I need to do is to create an environment where Gods creation can
be expressed. If I think that I can
create a better child than God, then I am going to eventually realise that I am
One of the greatest joys in this
process is watching the difference in the boys when I have a feeling of love
instead of anger, annoyance, frustration, fear, shame or any other non-loving
emotion. I have seen them change in an
instant when I come from a space of love, rather than a non-loving space. It is a bit hard for me to describe but
children bloom when love is present, and shrivel when it is absent. In my opinion, learning about true love, and
being a loving parent from Gods perspective, is the greatest gift a parent can
give to a child, and I would encourage all parents and carers (and everyone for
that matter) to consider learning more about love. Your children will thank you for it!!
I titled this blog “Being a Man: My
process of discovery of who I am as a man, and what it is to be a man from Gods
It turns out that I have no idea
what it is to be a man from Gods perspective.
The only things that I think I know, are the things that I was taught by
my parents. Let me break down that down
a bit for you. This is what I was raised
to believe a ‘Man’ was:
He goes to work to provide
financially for the family
Job security is important
I am the most important one
Your partner will look after the
house and the kids
Your partner will look after you
physically, emotionally, and sexually
Get a good education so that you
can get a good, secure job
Do what will keep your parents
happy, and ‘proud’
Live the life that they wanted to
have, but couldn’t
Follow a particular type of sport
Have certain views on politics,
other people and cultures, and entertainment
Love or hate whatever your
I thought that if I did these
things, that life would be pretty sweet, and so that’s what I did. I did everything that I was taught to believe
and do. The above list is not
exhaustive, but provides a basic snapshot.
Now for a while I was ‘living the dream’ so to speak. I was successfully engaging in all of the
things that I was taught to do, and thought that I had a good handle of what
life was about.
The problem with thinking that you’re
pretty clever, is that when someone tells you that you’re wrong, it can be
pretty difficult to accept that what they are saying I true. This is particularly more so, when the person
telling you, is not telling you verbally, in writing, or any other way that you
are used to…..and is also invisible.
Turns out …. I have no idea what it is to be a man from Gods
God seems to have very different
views on what a man is compared to myself, and I find that very difficult to
reconcile most of the time. However,
when I eventually to work through some of the emotions involved it does start
to make sense that the way God designed it to be is a more loving way. God wants me, and all men (and women), to
know what love is. God wants me to be a
loving person, but I have to make that choice.
The struggle that I seem to have is that I am stubbornly set in my ways, and don’t want to change. It seems
ludicrous that I readily accept the harder way of doing things (what I was
taught by my parents), living my life with my heels dug in for whatever
I’m not very far on this journey,
but I’m becoming pretty sure that the things that I was taught are not in
harmony with Gods perspective. With
regards to the above list, I think it should look something more like:
living in my soul desires is important
loved the same
responsible for looking after myself physically, emotionally, and sexually
responsible for looking after my house and children
qualities of my soul
Live my life,
and make my own choices
Gods views on everything
Whilst I don’t know much about
the second list, it seems to make more sense than the first one. Anyway, if I find out any more about what it
is to be a man from Gods perspective, I’ll be sure to let you know.
I've added a new page to the blog which will contain some resources for those who would like to incorporate the Divine Truth into Parenting/Caring for their children. All of the exercises I have done myself and found to be very useful, and has helped to become a much better, and more loving/caring parent.
In your own development, if there is anything that you have found useful, let me know and I can add it to the page (or provide a link to it).
I am also offering that if there is anyone (or groups of people) who would like to me to come and discuss parenting, then just send me an email ( email@example.com) and I'll see what I can organise. Similarly, if your ok with me coming to stay for a bit, I can offer some first hand feedback on parenting, and relationships with children.
In April 2010, at a Divine Truth seminar, Mary, Cornelius
and Jodi did a presentation about reincarnation. I became involved in this presentation by way
of my past relationship with Jodi (my ex ife).
We had been married, and had separated late the previous year. Some interest and questions arose around the
breakup, and I became part of the talk too. However, various untruths were
communicated during the presentation by myself, and the intention of the
following to correct those untruths.
To give some background:
A few years back, I decided to end my marriage. However there has been a lot of confusion
about the events surrounding the separation, and there have been certain things
I have been comfortable for people to believe, although they haven’t been true.
I have written this to correct those untruths and misconceptions that I have
communicated in the past, with respect to how my marriage ended, and provide an
actual account what actually happened.
The history is as follows:
·I was married when we discovered the
teachings of Divine Truth as presented by Jesus (AJ) in 2008. We began to apply the teachings in our lives
and relationship, and this involved being much more truthful, open, and honest
with each other, and also working through the emotions that arose as a
result. There were times when this was
very confronting, and challenged our previously held beliefs systems about our
relationship. However once the emotions
had been felt through, the emotional pain subsided, and the truth of the
situation became clearer.
·During the next 18 months, I was able to
work through some of my women emotions, and as I did, I found myself gradually desiring
Jodi less and less, and I could feel myself growing apart from her. This came as a surprise, because up until
that point I had assumed, (or hoped) that we were soulmates, and that this
process would confirm my belief. Instead
of me finding her more desirable, and attractive, the opposite was
happening. This was quite confronting
for me, because this is not the way I had envisaged this were going to work
out. My (erroneous) belief was that as I
worked through my emotions, I would find her more attractive and desirable.
·Throughout this time, we constantly
talked about what was happening, and I was open with her, in sharing what I
could feel that was going on for myself.
·In December 2009, I had reached the point
where I felt we needed to separate, and so I ended our relationship, as it
seemed clear to me that we were not soulmates.
Hence this decision was not a
difficult one to make. I did not make
this decision because I was angry with Jodi, nor because of anything that
happened in the relationship. I made the
decision because it was the honest and obvious thing to do.
·In hindsight, I probably should have
ended the relationship a bit sooner, however, I chose to stay in the
relationship because it met some of my other emotional addictions, namely,
still wanting a woman to look after me, sex, and someone to look after our
children so that I could still work full time.
·Even though we had separated, we still
lived under the same roof for a few months ‘for the sake of the kids’. This seemed like a good idea at the time,
however upon reflection it was really because I still wanted my ex-wife to look
after them, and still mother me and look after the house.
·At Christmas 2009, I had a feeling that I
knew who my soulmate was. Even at this
stage (and the months following) I was still content with me pursuing someone
who I thought was my soulmate, whilst at the same time still living with Jodi.
·After a while, Jodi felt that she had to
move out, as the situation was unloving to herself. So even though I had initiated the
separation, I wasn’t prepared to be responsible for my own decision, and take
the necessary action to move out myself.
Upon reflection, I’m not proud of my actions after I
decided to initiate the separation. The
separation I was clear about, however the thought of having to live by myself,
start looking after the kids by myself, work less, frightened me so much, that
I chose to be unloving to Jodi, and expected her to still do all the ‘motherly’
duties, purely for my comfort.
I have previously given the impression that Jodi left me
to be with someone else, and that I was the victim, or poor guy, who was left
alone because of the decision of Jodi to leave our marriage. I have also given the impression that the
Divine Truth will result in a marriage being broken, and it leave you a poor
broken person, who is the ‘victim’ of learning the truth. This is simply not true. The truth is that I portrayed this image in
order for people to feel sorry for me, and to get a lot of sympathetic
emotions, particularly from women.
The Divine Truth allows you to what is real in a
relationship, and what is not. What
happens after that is a choice for the individual. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to
discover the truth about my marriage, as it has resulted in a lot of personal
There have been numerous ascertains made that AJ (and
Divine Truth) has broken up families, marriages, and relationships. In my experience, this has not been the
case. Never at any stage did AJ or Mary
suggest or imply that Jodi and I were/were not soulmates. Nor did they suggest or imply that we should
or shouldn’t be together. It was my
personal decision to leave the marriage.
We did discuss our relationship at times, but the advice was always to
just keep working through our emotions and we will eventually realise the
What actually happened during the
·I engaged in the talk so that I could
tell my story
·I gave the impression that it was Jodi
that left me, to be with Cornelius
·I wanted to be seen as ‘poor guy’ and the
‘victim’ of Jodi and Cornelius getting together
·I gave the impression that Jodi moved out
and took everything, and left me with nothing which was not the case
·I wanted women to feel sorry for me, and
make me feel better, rather then me dealing with my own emotions. I received a lot of sympathy from the
audience, especially women.
·I was/still am hooked into a feeling of
wanting the woman to make me feel special
·I liked the special feeling of
(potentially) being the ex-partner of 1 of the 14
·I was demanding that women make me feel
better, and mother me
·I had the feeling that I knew how to work
through things on the Divine Love Path, and knew what the Divine Love Path was
about, and I projected this onto the audience.
This is not the case as evidenced by my lack of progress in my subsequent
I have to apologise to:
·AJ and Mary for ‘highjacking’ their talk
for me to tell my own story which was not based in truth, and gave the
impression that the Divine Truth is destructive and breaks up families and
relationships. And for AJ and Mary
having to continually correct the untruth with the media, that the Divine Truth
is destructive to relationships and families.
Whilst I struggle with the truth at times, I don’t feel that it is
destructive, and the Divine Truth actually highlights the truth about
relationships, and this is a good thing.
I have found the Divine Truth to be extremely beneficial, particularly
in relation to my relationship with my children, and becoming a better
·The audience (both on the day, and anyone
that listened to it via the Divine Truth website) for communicating that
feeling that I knew how to work through things on the Divine Love Path, and
knew what the Divine Love Path was about.
This is not the case as evidenced by my lack of progress in my
·My lack of morals and ethics for allowing
this to happen in the first instance, but also for not correcting the untruths
sooner, and perpetuating the untruth for all this time.
Some people are curious, and have questions, as to what
happened, and so to answer some of these questions I have provided a response
to a few:
Did Divine Truth cause in your
Learning about the Divine Truth emotionally enabled me to
see the relationship from a more loving and truthful perspective. As I learned more truth about my relationship
and myself it became clearer that my view of it was flawed, and out of harmony
with love. I guess as we learn more, we
see things differently and apply our new teachings to our existing situations. Certainly, the Divine Truth helped me to realise
the truth, but the decision to end the relationship was mine.
If you hadn’t of found out about
Divine Truth, do you think that you would still be married?
This is a difficult question as it is hypothetical,
however, because I was in such an addictive relationship, I would probably have
to say yes. That is not to say that
something else might not have happened in the meantime to change the
relationship anyway. Ultimately, the
end would have been the same though, because eventually I would have realised
what was happening, it just might have taken a lot longer. In fact this is one of the great benefits of
the Divine Truth, in that if you want to apply it in your life, the truth of
the situation can become clear quite rapidly if your open to seeing it. If your not open then it takes a little
You have previously described your
relationship with Jodi as ‘perfect’. Do
you still hold that view?
No. It is obvious
to me now, that the relationship was built around addictive emotional needs
being met, and was not one based in love.
I have previously described it as perfect in the past because, I got
what I wanted, we never argued, I could do whatever I wanted without doing
anything in return, and all of my physical, sexual, and (erroneous) emotional
needs were met. It was a relationship
that was built on a barter system, whereby the unconscious arrangement was,
“I’ll give you what you want, if you give me what I want.”
Truth was absent from the relationship right up until the
end when we started applying the Divine Truth to the relationship. This quickly highlighted that we were not
being truthful about the relationship, and our feelings about it. I was living what I thought was a good
relationship, not living a relationship based on truth and love as I am
starting to understand it.
Do you ever regret the decision
that you made?
Once we were separated, a lot of addictions were
highlighted and were in my face for the first time in my life. This was very confronting for me at the time,
and some the emotional injuries that were exposed I found difficult to deal
with at the time. There were times when
I wanted to return to the addictive relationship. However once the emotions had been felt
through, it became very clear to me that I had made the right decision.
Has your experience helped you in
your new relationship?
Not really, actually probably not at all. I had worked through a lot of emotions in my
marriage, relating to feelings unloved by a woman, however I failed to address
my demands and addictions relating to wanting a woman to do things for me and
make me feel special. When I entered a
new relationship, my new partner did not have the emotions of wanting to look
after me, hence my addictions were exposed for the first time. Unfortunately, I chose not to deal with those
emotions, and instead I rejected my new partner and just got angry at her. This has resulted in me causing her much
pain, which I also now have to work through.
If you dealt with your addictions,
would you still have the same pain in that relationship?
No. There have been
times when I have worked through a small addiction, and I have felt a large
amount of love and desire for that person.
However, as I have generally chosen not to deal with my addictions that
general outcome is a painful one. I have
chosen not to deal with my addictions, and I have honoured my arrogance and fear,
over love for my partner, and when this happens the outcome can never be a good
How have the kids been affected?
It is my experience that children are fine with a
situation, provided that parents are owning their own emotions. We were very open and honest with the boys
throughout the entire process, and told them everything that was happening. The only times the boys became upset with any
part of the situation was when either myself or Jodi, had emotions that were
being projected onto the boys, as we weren’t owning them. I have had many times where I have been
processing seemingly intense emotions (anger, through to fear, through to causal)
and the boys are happy to play and have not been affected by my emotional
processing at all. In fact I have had
them say to me that they prefer it, and It feels better for them, when I am
dealing with my emotions (anger and fear included). Processing your emotions is also highly
beneficial to children, as they no longer have to feel the projection coming
from you. There have been many times
when I can see how my children have changed after I have felt though an
emotion. They are generally happier,
more considerate and loving, and the parent/child relationship changes greatly
for the better.
Isn’t it better though, that
children are raised in a “stable” household with both a mother and father?
This was one of my previously held beliefs as well, whereby
I though that the balance of a mother and father was the best thing for a
childs development. My belief now is
that children thrive in an environment of truth and love. There was a short time where Jodi and I were
separated and living in the same house for “the sake of the children”, however
this was not a healthy environment, and it was not an arrangement based on love
or truth. For us to stay together for
that reason was teaching the boys that it is okay to live a lie, and that it is
okay to live in an addictive relationship.
This is not something that I want to teach my children anymore (as much
I know how).
I’ve been reflecting a lot of late about why parents are so
unloving and cruel to their own children. I’ve also been reflecting a lot about why God
enables us the free will to hurt our children. After all, what choice does the child have
with regard to the environment it is born into? Who is there to protect the child against
something over which it has no control? Why
did God allow my parents to be unloving to me?
I suppose the first question is, what constitutes hurt? This
is how I see it – any projection of annoyance or anger, verbally abusing or
chastising, belittling, humiliating, yelling, physical abuse (smacking). Or let
me put it this way – any feeling towards
a child that is not a projection of love.
Let’s establish some basic principles. The expression or projection of anger towards
another is simply a refusal on our part to feel what something that is being
triggered within us. No-one outside of
ourselves is responsible for us getting angry, they are simply a trigger. Now our anger simply overlies a fear that we don’t
want to feel, and our fear overlies a level of grief that we don’t currently
want to feel.
We are unloving to
our children, simply because we don’t want to feel our own feelings.
I’ve attached a link to a video, showing the physical abuse
of a child, which the father feels is fully justified. Thanks Fiona (www.vibrantfamilies.com) for posting
this for others to find. This man takes
his abuse to the physical level, but reflect on the times when you have been
this angry with your children, as the emotional projection at them is also
damaging. Ask yourself if you really think God wants you to parent this way. Would you treat your pet this way? Would you treat someone elses child this way? If you did this to a random person walking down the street, you would be arrested and charges with assault. Why then does a different standard seem to apply for a parent and their own child?
Take an honest look into the eyes of your child, and see the
fear that is there for them when you are angry with them. They have no understanding what is happening
to them. As far as they are concerned
they were just going about their business, and all of a sudden, they have this
big, angry person in front of them getting angry, maybe yelling and worse,
physically harming them. Put yourself in
their shoes, and it is not hard to imagine the terror that they must be feeling
at that moment.
If you feel angry, be angry, but go somewhere else to do
it. If you want to yell at something,
yell at something, but yell at something that won’t be hurt by it. Note I said
something, not someone. If you want to
hit something, hit something, but hit something other than the precious gift you
helped to bring into this world.
There is much, much more to say about parenting, and
particularly parenting from Gods perspective, but that will be another day.