Wanting My Mum

Why is it, that we so desperately want our mum?  I’m not talking physically needing her to be close by, but more the feelings that we got from our mum when we were kids.  Even as adults, well after we have left the nest, we are constantly searching for someone to provide those feelings that our mum projected onto us as a kid.

Generally speaking, growing up as kids, it was our mum that was there for us.  From the time that we are born we are reliant on our mum for a good while to nurture and support us.  For the most part, our mums fed us, washed us, dressed us, fixed our pains, read us stories, listened to our complaints about what our siblings had done to us, among many other things. 

We see this person, as our example of what a woman should be, what a woman should do, and what a woman should provide for us.

Holy shit!!   I’ve only really started to understand this recently.

I have found it very difficult at times to connect with my partner, and there have been many times when I have been angry with her about things.  But I couldn’t figure out why I was angry, and a lot of the time I didn’t even realise I was being angry.  And so I started praying about this “God, Why is it that I get angry?  I never used to get this angry with my previous partner.  What is the difference between the two?”

And so through some realisations, I now see that I WANT MY MUM!  My current partner is nothing like my mum, and also doesn’t have any desire to be my mum.  My previous partner was exactly the same as my mum, which is why we never argued.  This is why I get angry with my partner, because she doesn’t engage in giving me those ‘Mum’ feelings that the little boy inside of me is still craving. 

I’m also realising that I judge every woman in the universe, based around how much she is like my mum.  Now I am starting to have some serious issues with this, because I am judging, and projecting, and being unloving to someone else because they don’t live up to my expectations. 

But what if the expectations that I have, the ones that my mum instilled in me are false?  For example, I never really had to be responsible for myself growing up, as mum pretty much did everything for me.  Hence this is what I perceive all woman should do for me.  The problem arises when I start to get angry at those women who don’t do what I want them to do, that is, they don’t do what mum would do.  If I am being angry at someone, then it is me that has the issue, not them.  Just because someone doesn’t want to make me dinner, or see the same movie that I want to see, or even worse listen to me babble on about what a crap day I’ve had, that doesn’t mean that they are in the wrong or are being unloving or nasty to me.  If I’m angry, I have the problem, and it is up to me to figure out why?

The why is pretty clear.  How do we feel when something that we have had for so long is taken away from us?  We feel that if someone doesn’t give us what we want, then they are being unloving to us.  The truth is, we are demanding from another person that they must satisfy our emotional cravings.  This is unloving, but it is unloving from the perspective that it is us that is being unloving for having the demand.

I realise now that I need to grow up. I need to start living my life free of the emotional demand and expectation I place on women.  They are not my servants, they are not here to be my surrogate mother, and I must stop treating them with such demand.

Personally, I have just started this process of working through the emotional reasons I place such demands on woman, and I’ll let you know how it goes.  At present I find it quite disturbing, how much I want someone to be like my mum. 

Ponder this question for a bit “ Do I want to have a soulmate relationship with my perfect partner, or do I just want to live with my mum?”

Take Care

Justin